Turning Points

Today was one of those turning points, those defining moments in our parenting journey. We all have them, at different times and over different things, depending on our individual child and place along the parenting road. I was going to blog about something else entirely, but this felt far more important.

This morning, Alfred (four next week!) joined in an hour long PE session. With about fifteen other children, from four to nine years old, he listened to the instructor, joined in with a variety of running-based games, learnt how to play with a parachute, and proudly went to collect a lollipop with the rest of the group at the end of it. He didn't push anyone, he didn't run off, he didn't shout. The only time I spoke to him at all was in response to his excitedly pausing to tell me how much fun he was having. He was one of the group, had a thoroughly red face and fabulous time, and is desperate to go back next week to do it all again.

Why all the big fuss? For a lot of children it wouldn't register as much at all – Elizabeth, for instance, was happy with that sort of session from the moment she could toddle, and, as you do when you have only one child who conveniently fits with your ideas and approaches, at the time, I just assumed that was how things were. Life isn't just a learning curve for the kids though. From the start, Alfred has been very very different to his sister, and the things she liked and thrived on (people her own age, groups, company, organised games and activities) were things that caused him huge amounts of stress and anxiety. As a result, we re-assessed our thinking on a whole load of things, and quickly made the decision that, as with Elizabeth, we would follow at his pace and take his lead for what he wanted to do and not force him into situations that we knew he would find uncomfortable.

I've mentioned before that children (and dogs, and anything else that moves quickly for that matter) his own size or smaller have been a huge issue for Alfred. Large groups, lots of noise, and too much stimulation in general are also really hard for him to handle. If, six months go, anyone had suggested trying him at a group like we went to today, I'd have laughed them out of the room.

Why does he find it all so stressful? In recent months he's been able to finally articulate his fears. “I'm scared, Mummy, they going to hurt me,” he has said on several occasions. Now, I don't think for one moment that every other kid is out to get him. But if that's how he feels, his anxieties need to be taken as seriously as anyone else's, and that is, I hope, what we have managed to do over the last few years.

I am glad beyond words that we have gone at his pace, kept him close when he needed it, protected him when he felt vulnerable, helped him through difficult situations rather than shouting and punishing and insisting that he “Just has to learn.” Yes, there have been a fair share of moments when I just haven't been able to intervene, (and trust me, there is nothing worse than spotting that look from across the room and know you have no hope in hell of getting there before someone else's kid goes flying,) but I am certain now that we have taken the right approach for him.

Because, today, was a massive achievement for our little boy. I was so very proud of him, and, more importantly, he was proud of himself. And he got there without being forced or shamed or pushed to do something before he was ready to do it.

Moments like this are what it is all about :) 

One exhausted and very happy little boy eating his lunch on the bus home!

And, because I didn't get any pictures of the session itself, a couple more of Alfred coming into his own lately: