Guilty Musings

There are a lot of wonderful articles and blog posts out there already about guilt. It seems to come with the territory of being a parent. Or a child. Or, you know, any person out there. Guilt for going back to work. Guilt for not going back to work. Guilt for feeding your child freezer food two tea times in a row. Guilt for accidentally over-melting the face on your daughter's Hama Bead Queen Elsa (the last one was me today. Managed to salvage it. Phew!)

I'm not going to go into the causes or reasons we feel guilty, or a long diatribe against societal pressures and oppression (though there is lots of interesting food for thought in all of those areas.) What I've been thinking about today is how we deal with those feelings. How we make ourselves feel better. How we manage to pick ourselves up and carry on after whatever guilt-inducing incident or feeling has occurred and how that experience can actually be a healthy, positive one.

Elizabeth is in a dance show next weekend. The rehearsal schedule has been pretty intense; 7-8 hours for three Sundays in a row, plus the usual 1 ½ hours twice a week of classes. She loves doing it, we love that she loves it, and she is doing so, so well. Regardless of that, however, the strain is starting to show. Yesterday at the dress rehearsal, there were patches where I was Grumpy Mummy. I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty that I didn't speak to her as calmly or politely as I try to when it comes to interacting with my children. I feel guilty that she, in turn, will quite probably go on to use the same grumpy tone with her brother at some point in the future. I feel guilty that, for a few isolated moments, I didn't live up to the expectations and standards I have set for myself.

So what can I do?

One option is to ignore it. The feeling fades eventually or at least becomes manageable –in the meantime, its just a case of riding it out and then pretending it never happened. The problem then is that the feeling hasn't really been dealt with; it's been pushed to the side, buried, and has an annoying habit of popping up again when you least expect it. My worst time for that is in the early hours of the morning; there is nothing worse than waking up and just lying there, dwelling on the very thing I have been trying to forget.

Another option is to learn from it. When guilt comes from realising we've done something that, with hindsight, we shouldn't have/didn't want to, it can be a great spur to change things for the future. That can be a very healthy type of guilt, the sort that leads to positive action. I don't want to shout at my child. Therefore, I will try my hardest not to.

With that, however, comes the all-important caveat of being kind to oneself. It sounds trite, but can be remarkably hard to follow. Take the snapping at Elizabeth incident. I don't like to speak to my children like that. I don't want to do it again. But, at some point, I very probably will. I could beat myself up over it each time, let the guilt intensify and wallow. Or, I could think about how I would approach another person who came to me with the same situation. On a message board or Facebook group or with a friend in front of me – would I add to the guilt by pointing out how they had messed up, or would I give them a hug, tell them it's okay, and help them to move on? If, by realising I don't want to snap, I manage not to in five situations out of ten, that's five more times than before.

Another thing I find helpful is to write a list. For every one thing that you feel guilty about, think of two positive things. Yes, I snapped. But I kept calm at a lot of points where I didn't feel very calm at all, (buns. I hate buns. Even with the magic of a hot buns rolly thing. The only thing worse than having to do a bun is having to do a bun in a very short space of time.) I also managed to deal with the thousand costumes/accessories/shoes, get them all to the rehearsal and back again in one piece, and had a really nice chat with Elizabeth on the walk home from the bus where she told me each and every thing she loved about the day.

I was going to add lowering our expectations and standards to the list, but then reconsidered. There is nothing wrong with having a high bar – the trick is to not beat yourself up about it when we don't hit it every single time. When it comes to how I interact with the kids, I keep my standards high because I think they deserve the best I can give. That is what I aim for, because they are worth it. I have also come to accept the fact that I won't hit that every time. And, just as I'd forgive the children or a friend for that, I can also do the same with myself.

Finally, I'm a very visual person. Visual approaches also seem to work well with our children. When there is something that needs doing that the children don't particularly want to do, (running out of bread and needing to dash to the shops, bath before a big event, going somewhere that one sibling wants to go and the other doesn't) I've found something that helps is to draw a circle on a piece of paper to represent the day. Then I draw a very small circle or speck in that big circle to represent the thing that needs doing. The thing, in most cases, takes up a very, very small part of the whole. One, tiny little moment, with the whole rest of the day around it to be enjoyed. The same approach can be taken with guilt. I've realised that those little guilt-inducing moments that can take over our lives if we let them, are actually, in the grand scheme of things, very small. The same as those little specks of things we don't want to do, they leave the rest of each day free for living and enjoying.

* A necessary edit - the above is after debriefing with  anyone else involved (in this case Elizabeth) - we had a very frank conversation in the toilet where I explained why I was being grumpy and apologised. She forgave me, no one else had noticed - it's forgiving yourself  that can be the hardest part.